Full-on breakdown going on here

25 Nov

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Wow, I didn’t know it was possible for me to get this ill, this low, this broken.
Because I need to journal this little part of the journey, I’m blogging again.
And because I’m all out of creative juices for today, here is a little snippet of my facebook posts from the last week.
You’re welcome.

18.11.14
Being powerful does not equal being strong. Just a thought…

18.11.14
Because you are my helper, I sing for joy in the shadow of your wings. I cling to you; your strong right hand holds me securely. (Psalms 63:7-8 NLT)

19.11.14
Cat, a new friend posted this on my wall: “Rachel, I just wanted to say how thankful I am for your amazingly honest statuses, inspiring posts and Bible verses that have, on many occasions, been exactly what I’ve needed to hear! Be encouraged as you encourage others.” – wow, did you see that?!? OMG. I’ll just plough on through then, knowing God.Uses.EVERYTHING. #purposeintheseason

19.11.14
As I struggle yet again with a nasty dip in my mental health due to an insidious and sticky illness, I am YET AGAIN reminded of truths that are so readily taken for granted when life ebbs and flows more softly and more easily.
“I don’t have to save the whole world.” Thanks for that one Jodiy… Messiah Complex, be gone!!
“I am at my most powerful when I acknowledge my weakness and brokenness.”
“I was never designed to function alone, and I am certainty not exempt from a need for community”.
“It’s ok to stop and rest.”
Really and truly. We cannot be effective people if we do *anything* out of a place of stress and exhaustion. So stop and rest, no one will fall apart if you do; on the other hand, YOU may well fall apart if you don’t – and THEN what?!
“When I start obsessing about my health and state of mind, it’s ok and good to look for distractions” – so watch the news, watch a movie, read a book, invite a friend over, get them to make coffee and ask them how THEY are.
I will continue to post my little musings on and off over the next few weeks, as I look for ways of getting well again.
But one thing’s for sure, NOTHING IS WASTED.
‪#‎kingdomtruths‬

(I’m rocking those hashtags, y’all)

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20.11.14
I’m off work, and in bed most of the time, but I’m drinking coffee like it’s going out of fashion. #priorities
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20.11.14
“…new mercies, new mercies, new mercies. I am the God of new mercies every morning! My compassion does not fail. I am releasing new mercies to my children, to those who wait on my name, to reveal my faithfulness again…”
‪#‎waitingforbreakthrough‬

21.11.14
Odd socks under sofas, dust balls full of dog hair and crumbs in every corner. Broken bits of toys, undiscarded for years, books piled high waiting for someone to put. that. phone. down.
Life out of control, mind whirring.

“I can’t do this anymore”, I whisper through tears.
“You don’t have to, just rest a while longer.” – He whispers back.
“My life is a mess”
“This mess is beautiful to me; and you, princess, are glorious.”

I’m letting go.
Fixing my eyes onto Heaven.
Choosing a topsy-turvy Kingdom over a tidy life.

“Seek first the Kingdom of God and all these things will be given to you”

“If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both eGod and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. (Matthew 6:30-33)

21.11.14
Then – this turns up on my newsfeed.
Wow. Every day. New,
better ways to live

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22.11.14
Going unplugged for the weekend. Maybe longer.
Bah-bye….

#didntlast
#neverdoes
#itsok

23.11.14
And so, this is now.
Tonight I feel broken, defeated, deflated, sad and angry. But my faith is growing. My faith that chooses to believe that through my brokenness I am being rebuilt, through my sadness and anger, joy and peace are rising up from deep within. My faith that chooses to declare that the very things the world sees as curses, my God declares to be blessings.
I AM Blessed. ‪#‎beatitudes‬
“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. “You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.” (Matthew 5:3-5 MSG)

So the good news is, I’m still alive.
No one said it was going to be easy though.
But it’s a beautiful mess.

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One Response to “Full-on breakdown going on here”

  1. Valerie Bailey November 25, 2014 at 6:26 am #

    Look after yourself so you can come back to what is your playing field 🙂

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