Full-on breakdown going on here

Wow, I didn’t know it was possible for me to get this ill, this low, this broken.
Because I need to journal this little part of the journey, I’m blogging again.
And because I’m all out of creative juices for today, here is a little snippet of my facebook posts from the last week.
You’re welcome.

18.11.14
Being powerful does not equal being strong. Just a thought…

18.11.14
Because you are my helper, I sing for joy in the shadow of your wings. I cling to you; your strong right hand holds me securely. (Psalms 63:7-8 NLT)

19.11.14
Cat, a new friend posted this on my wall: “Rachel, I just wanted to say how thankful I am for your amazingly honest statuses, inspiring posts and Bible verses that have, on many occasions, been exactly what I’ve needed to hear! Be encouraged as you encourage others.” – wow, did you see that?!? OMG. I’ll just plough on through then, knowing God.Uses.EVERYTHING. #purposeintheseason

19.11.14
As I struggle yet again with a nasty dip in my mental health due to an insidious and sticky illness, I am YET AGAIN reminded of truths that are so readily taken for granted when life ebbs and flows more softly and more easily.
“I don’t have to save the whole world.” Thanks for that one Jodiy… Messiah Complex, be gone!!
“I am at my most powerful when I acknowledge my weakness and brokenness.”
“I was never designed to function alone, and I am certainty not exempt from a need for community”.
“It’s ok to stop and rest.”
Really and truly. We cannot be effective people if we do *anything* out of a place of stress and exhaustion. So stop and rest, no one will fall apart if you do; on the other hand, YOU may well fall apart if you don’t – and THEN what?!
“When I start obsessing about my health and state of mind, it’s ok and good to look for distractions” – so watch the news, watch a movie, read a book, invite a friend over, get them to make coffee and ask them how THEY are.
I will continue to post my little musings on and off over the next few weeks, as I look for ways of getting well again.
But one thing’s for sure, NOTHING IS WASTED.
‪#‎kingdomtruths‬

(I’m rocking those hashtags, y’all)

20.11.14
I’m off work, and in bed most of the time, but I’m drinking coffee like it’s going out of fashion. #priorities

20.11.14
“…new mercies, new mercies, new mercies. I am the God of new mercies every morning! My compassion does not fail. I am releasing new mercies to my children, to those who wait on my name, to reveal my faithfulness again…”
‪#‎waitingforbreakthrough‬

21.11.14
Odd socks under sofas, dust balls full of dog hair and crumbs in every corner. Broken bits of toys, undiscarded for years, books piled high waiting for someone to put. that. phone. down.
Life out of control, mind whirring.

“I can’t do this anymore”, I whisper through tears.
“You don’t have to, just rest a while longer.” – He whispers back.
“My life is a mess”
“This mess is beautiful to me; and you, princess, are glorious.”

I’m letting go.
Fixing my eyes onto Heaven.
Choosing a topsy-turvy Kingdom over a tidy life.

“Seek first the Kingdom of God and all these things will be given to you”

“If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both eGod and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. (Matthew 6:30-33)

21.11.14
Then – this turns up on my newsfeed.
Wow. Every day. New,
better ways to live

22.11.14
Going unplugged for the weekend. Maybe longer.
Bah-bye….
#didntlast
#neverdoes
#itsok

23.11.14
And so, this is now.
Tonight I feel broken, defeated, deflated, sad and angry. But my faith is growing. My faith that chooses to believe that through my brokenness I am being rebuilt, through my sadness and anger, joy and peace are rising up from deep within. My faith that chooses to declare that the very things the world sees as curses, my God declares to be blessings.
I AM Blessed. ‪#‎beatitudes‬
“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. “You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.” (Matthew 5:3-5 MSG)

So the good news is, I’m still alive.
No one said it was going to be easy though.
But it’s a beautiful mess.

Boo

Just making sure you’re still awake.
And still there.
Or rather: just confirming I’m still awake, and still here.

Still struggling to put stuff into words that’s all.
Still a writer though.

Just a writer – being still.

That’s just how it is

I know.
Silence…

It’s not I have nothing to say.
Trust me!

Maybe this just isn’t a season for writing.

It’s definitely a season for listening, and speaking. The Living Word is at work within me, right at the very core of who I am.

But writing….. Unless it’s as
an extension of speaking, I really don’t have the energy or the time for it right now… Pretty, cleverly structured phrases, carefully arranged into paragraphs to form a well-balanced, pleasing article/ post/ thing for others to marvel at – I don’t have time for that.

So you’ll have to forgive me for posting sporadically and randomly on here in this season. The truth is, I don’t really know what my blog is supposed to look like anymore. What’s more – I actually don’t care…… *eeeeesh – go ahead and hate me*

However, I’m sticking around, y’all.
Oh yeah.

I’ve got plenty to say.
Just you watch.

Australia (A post in which I brag a little.)

So like I said in a previous post – I ran away from the damp, cold January we’ve been having in the UK and spent two blissful weeks in the wonderful deliciously stifling, overwhelming, 45°C heat of New South Wales.

It was a holiday I’m not likely to ever forget, because I quite possibly left a tiny part of my heart there…. And fell in love with a Mexican food chain.

Without further ado, here’s a small selection of pics from the couple thousand I must have taken during my time there. Just to prove (to myself….) that I was really there, y’know?

Shower

At 11 years old my little Thomas just took his first shower at home!!!
Words can’t quite express how amazing this is… Believe me it’s a big deal.
He has been terrified of showers for his entire life, but has been ‘training’ at school – and this morning, as I prepared to get in the shower for my daily ablutions, he announced he was going to get in there first.
He promptly popped on some swimming goggles and bravely stepped under the water.
I am so proud and moved by his courage.

Funny how little things most of us see as completely mundane can be such enormous milestones for others….

Never, ever take anything for granted.

Hiatus

I’m in Australia.
For two weeks.
Just thought I’d say 🙂
#blessed

Toblerone Cheesecake

I did promise you a break from heavy stuff…..and here it is!!!
Something really heavenly.

Although itis heavy…
Calorie-heavy to be precise…
Extremely….
For which I am entirely unapologetic.
Sorry.
Oh. Did I just apologise?!
Oooooops.
Mustn’t do that.

So – Shall I tell you how to make Toblerone Cheesecake?

Oh, ok then.
I can’t resist any longer.
This is seriously sublime, and ridiculously easy, I mean infant-school easy….. And so on that basis it would be plain SILLY not to give this a go.

Ingredients

300g Oreo or Bourbon biscuits, crushed
50g ground almonds
120g melted salted butter.
200g toblerone
300g full fat soft cheese
300 ml double cream, whipped.
2tbsp caster sugar
(Cost approx. £6)

Method (…oh man this is too easy!!)

Mix the crushed biscuits with the ground almonds and the melted butter (easier done in a food processor)
Press into a lined springform tin and chill for at least 10 minutes.

Meanwhile, melt the toblerone in the microwave, by 30 second increments. DO NOT OVERDO IT or it’ll just burn…

Combine the soft cheese with the sugar, then stir in the melted chocolate.

Fold in the whipped cream. Mix lightly for ripples in your finish or mix well for a homogenous finish.

Scoop the mixture onto your biscuit base then chill again for at least half an hour.

Decorate with shavings of left over Toblerone or other milk chocolate, or flaked almonds and edible glitter.

This is a serious crowd pleaser (that would be because it’s seriously amazing) and though indecently rich, you’ll want to make sure there is enough for seconds.

Oh – and do hide it until it’s actually needed.
Take my word for it.

(This recipe was given me by the lovely Liisa Sular who is a Pampered Chef Consultant – here is her website so you can all order your springform tins from her! Cos trust me, you will need a springform tin for this recipe! Oooooops – should’ve said that from the start…..!)

Stumbling in – with a Smile and a half decent glass of Champagne

That’s it!
We’re in!!
2014….

For better, for worse, there’s nothing we can do about it… let’s stumble into it together, hand in hand and holding tight to the Saviour and Lover and Creator of each one of us.
After all he is the beginning and the end, and everything in between.
He knows all that we don’t yet know.
The good, the bad, the ugly; the triumphs and the sorrows.
So let’s stumble in, trusting that He has enough grace for us to face everything He has planned for us…and to be victorious in it all.
I, for one, am excited…
First stop: Australia, for two weeks holiday in the sun with one of my all-time besties…. Can it get any better!!?!

We think, quite possibly, not.

Joy To The World – Immanuel is here

This means more and more to me the more I understand of who Jesus is. And for all my grumpiness over Christmas, I actually LOVE it once it’s here. It’s the build-up I loathe, but today has been deliberately free, delightfully slow, and I have enjoyed every moment, with joy in my heart and cheer on my face.
Inevitably, we had a couple of fractious kids to put up with, who had had little sleep the night before due to anticipation and excitement reaching unbearable proportions.
Still, the food and the mood were lovely and peaceful, and now that I have sat down at the end of it all with my evening tipple (mulled wine if you please) I can well and truly say that I am deeply blessed.
Happy birthday Jesus! Hope you enjoyed the party…

FINALLY!!!!

Tonight I am breathing a sigh of blessed relief.
This latest half term has felt like swimming through treacle but finally we can stop for a few weeks… School is over, baby!!!

Call me a Grinch if you want to – but opting out of Christmas gets more and more tempting as time goes on (…one year I will actually do it….) and if it wasn’t for three little boys’ eager anticipation, I would just as easily hide away for a month or three, with a plentiful stock of good books, tea-lights, art-supplies, coffee and mulled wine.
Ah, now, doesn’t that sound blissful….!!?!

I wonder if this time of year will ever get easier. The whole charade leaves me a little disillusioned, angry and exhausted. BUT.
Could it be that not having the option to “opt out” might actually be a Good Thing?
Because it forces me to dig deeper for meaning, for deeper revelation, for a closer encounter with the living God, Immanuel – and to look for the stuff that really matters, the hidden, secret, quiet stuff.
Just because I can’t hide away doesn’t mean I can’t choose what I will and will not allow to have influence over me and my family.

And that is precisely what I’m doing. I have spent a total of under 4 hours in the high street and done what little was left of it online. I am just not willing to take part in the zombiefied frenzy the world seems to think is an essential part of Christmas. Instead I am gunning for peace, rest, stillness – and defending the right to just ‘be’.

We are 6 days away from “the big day” and lo and behold I am sitting in a onesie sipping tea and eating banana cake (yes, that one!); my kids have just broken up from school for two weeks, and I am planning to do as little as possible in that time, except watch crap Christmas TV, eat lovely food, and celebrate my best friend’s birthday by saying thank you quite a lot.